


Silhouette in Moonlight

by iStandalone



Series: Drabbles - EMIYA’s original timeline AU [3]
Category: Fate/stay night - All Media Types
Genre: Again, Archer’s original timeline, Confessions, Drabble Collection, Drunken sex, F/M, Hurt and comfort, I was in a club when I thought about the plot, Jealousy complex, Smut and Feels, so i was drunk when i wrote this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-10-29
Updated: 2020-10-29
Packaged: 2021-03-09 02:13:39
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,497
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27267016
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iStandalone/pseuds/iStandalone
Summary: In the middle of one drunken night, they have confessed and sinned.Archer’s original timeline drabble.
Relationships: Emiya Shirou/Tohsaka Rin, Heroic Spirit EMIYA | Archer/Tohsaka Rin
Series: Drabbles - EMIYA’s original timeline AU [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1903954
Comments: 8
Kudos: 59





	Silhouette in Moonlight

**Author's Note:**

> It came out more vanilla than I thought. Might edit later.  
> This time has some sexual content, you’ve been warned.

“Where to go, sir?”

The taxi driver in the front seat met a young man’s gaze by his reflection on rearview mirror, waiting for a destination from two young foreign clients with the smell of booze mixed with cigarettes from the club they just went out of.

“Sir?” That finally brought the young man’s attention to himself. “Can you give me the location? Or do you perhaps want a translator? I got one right here.” The driver offered kindly, his finger pointed to a black tablet at the front.

“Oh, no, it’s fine. I can speak English.” Shirou quickly replied with an apologetic look. “Pardon me, I was hesitating over where to go. Please head to…”

He decidedly gave the driver her apartment’s address, after having one of his own don’t know what to do moments, considered the choices between going to his place or hers. Then, the engine started to kick off. The sound of London’s late night rain was still loud through the thick clouded windows of the car, and her head on his shoulder felt heavier compared to all of those times back in their high school days. The smell of her unusual perfume tickled against his nostrils, he rubbed his fingertips on the tip of his nose, it’s not like he doesn’t like it. But if he really had to give a comment in which he would rather not to, it doesn’t smell like her. He slightly shook his head to shoo away his nonsense, suddenly feeling a bit tipsy from alcohol’s effects.

“You got yourself quite a pretty girlfriend, huh?” The man tried to start a little chitchat.

“Uh, sorry. She isn’t…”

Their driver chuckled. “So only for tonight?”

“No, it’s not like that…” He blushed like a virgin, well, _he was a damned virgin_. So it can’t be helped. Trying to maintain his cool, he forced himself to answer with the calmest tone he could mutter in that moment, considering the woman in question was sitting right next to him, though, in sleep. “She’s just a good friend of mine. We… study in the same campus.”

“Well, better late than never, boy.” The driver whispered suggestively. “The chance of some good catches is only up one time for a rare keeper.”

He didn’t have an answer to that.

The driver dropped them off in front the familiar building as he carried Rin inside. Carrying her in a bridal style, he managed to push through seven floors by stairs and then slowly reaching to the back of his jeans’ pockets. He used the spare key he still kept just in case, wishing that Rin didn’t care enough to change the lock. Hearing a click sound, the wish has been granted in a split second.

Shirou turned on the lights, took some time to observe inside, everything was still the same. The last time he visited was just two weeks ago. He had no reason to feel like a deviant being here and yet, he did.

It’s even more funny if you included the fact that he used to live here once, too. That was long good two years.

But then he moved out after… what? First time he accidentally walked on her making out with another guy, to be certain, the dude came from nowhere and he was obviously trying to have his way with her in a much, forceful way, so Shirou almost burnt down the entire block with his ultimate noble phantasm and killed the man right at where he stood?

Not quite, that’s not entirely true as he didn’t even try to activate his magic circuit. That only went on inside his head as they weren’t in a relationship with each other. They never were. Getting angry over by himself in secret was all he’s allowed to do. And that was all he did. He only stared at them both expressionlessly as he said his apologize with clear pronounced voice then waited in a coffee shop outside town to cool down his mind before going back to check on his master. She looked apparently fine, but didn’t explain why she did that and asked him to move their reports appointment to some other time, rescheduling it to be fit with the extra ones she had saved for other businesses.

After that incident, there were a few things that happened following one then another. And thus, they decided that he should move out, find an extra job and go rent his own apartment. It worked, he was on his own for a couple years now. Quite the same amount of time with the days they shared space under the same roof. He didn’t give an opinion about how things changed over the cause of actions. Everything just fell back in normal like it usually did between the two of them, and like always, they never brought things up in open. Especially ones that really mattered.

He cleared his throat as the thought of all the memories made during those time he’s spent here flashed inside his head like a bunch of old paranormal photographs. He put an unconscious Tohsaka in her bed, carefully took off her heels not wanting to disturb her sleep. Then, his hands stopped over her devil halloween dress. Wanting her to get changed in more comfortable wears, He began to tug at her arm, calling her name in whispering tone.

“Mnmmn…” She moved, made an incomprehensible noise. “So thirsty…” Then, remained still.

“Can you move, Tohsaka?” He said after going to the kitchen and grabbed her a glass of water. Staring down at her wasted self, he explained slowly. “You can’t drink if you don’t sit up. Try drink some and get changed so you can go back to sleep.”

“Who said I can’t drinkk..k!” She shouted in a slur, hiccuped. “Help me uppp…”

“Yeah, yeah, but I meant water not beers, okay? Now, wait a sec.” He put down his jacket on the table, and helped her sitting up and had her leaned against the cupboard to give her some water.

The handful magic master gulped down some of the liquid inside, she was too fast, drinking water out of dehydration, and ended up choking on it. Shirou sighed, dabbing some water with one of many handkerchief he remembered he put in her bed cabinet off her face.

After wiping off some more dripping water on her chin, he began to work on cleaning the stain on her dress. If she was sober, he’d tell her to go change her clothes so that he can bring it back to his apartment and wash it clean. But this wasn’t the case so he had to let her bear with it until she could help herself. As he tried removing alcohol stains, his fingers accidentally graced the area around her cleavage. Shirou immediately blurted out an apology to the unconscious woman as he felt the temperature around him risen up within seconds. And suddenly, one white slender hand shot up to catch his wrist, making him halted.

“Why are you here?” The raven haired asked weakly, doe eyes flattered open and fully stared straight at him. Shirou averted his gaze from her face, finding the situation embarrassing himself. “And why is this room so damn hot? Open the windows,” She added, her breathing sounded a little ragged. But she seemed to be in much better state of mind. So Shirou thought the water and a quick snooze on their ride home really helped a lot.

“You can’t, it’s winter,” Shirou wearily shook his head, and gently retreated his hand from her grip. Trudging by red curtains to open up the windows regardless to his previous rational remark, but only just a little so the wind could pass in. He then turned his face toward hers. “So… Halloween party? Is that enough?”

Her pretty face had no signs of recognizing by the hint, but she let out a murmuring noise to go along with the flow. Judging by the sticky makeup on her face and very—very exposing glittery one piece she’s wearing. She could agree that it was some stupid fancy party they had attended. Though, normally she wouldn’t go to such a meaningless orgy, Rin knew the amount of stress she had been carrying in in these past months had a side affect on that matter. As a result, she even allowed herself to be this wasted despite the fact that she was hardly drunk by sheer alcohol.

The only time she remembered herself in drunken state was the first time she tried her father’s Chateau Margaux out of curiosity when she was ten, and the next time she tried drinking, she casted a spell beforehand to help her body excreting the liquid. Ever since then, drinking in general almost bored her, if not, just dulled her sense of judgment compared to normal.

Rin straightened up to dismiss an uncomfortable position from the bed and started to stretch her itchy upper part. Eyes awfully met his to continue their almost-one sided comprehensible conversation.

“Still doesn’t answer me why you’re here,”

“You were drunk, what kind of a friend am I if I left you completely wasted in a club and go home alone?”

White hands reached behind to unclasp her bra and tug it out under her red dress, before she threw it away along with her black leggings and denim jacket. She shrugged, swiped her long curly hair to aside to release the heat.

“Not a good one I guess,”

Shirou bent down to pick up her piles of clothes including the bra and folding them neatly while she mumbled about how gentleman he was in her drunken voice. He sighed, one hand placed neatly folded clothes on the small cabinet beside her bed.

“You should get changed, you went around a lot. And they smoke inside that club.”

“No shit it so stinks in here.”

“Give the dress to me, I’ll wash it and send it back here within next week.”

An eyebrow rose up. “What am I? A Thirteen-year-old who doesn’t know about laundry? Quit it, Shirou. I’m not a kid.”

“You sound like one when you say that.” He frowned. A hand shoved her way, signaling to the dress she’s still wearing. “It’s a rental costume, we can’t send it back to the shop if it smells like puke and smoke, okay?”

Rin sighed in annoy, but then changed her attitude quickly as she got an idea. She slowly tugged at the hem of her dress and then, she half-way pulled it up, it was a quick move he didn’t have time to prepare himself.

“Why don’t you warn me first?!” His cheeks slightly turned pink.

“You said you want me to change.” She shrugged, wearing a poisonous smile looking like a Satan herself.

“Yeah! But at least wait until I turn my back…!” She still had the dress on, but her sexy panties were already engraved as a mental image inside his brain. “Even I am your apprentice, I am still a guy, in case you forget!” He blurted out loud.

“Don’t try to be something you’re not, Shirou.” Rin nonchalantly cooed, eyeing him humorously with a dubious look on her face, her chest puffed out dangerously as she stretched her body lazily, yawning like a cat. “You’re close, though, gotta admit it. When it comes down to this type of things, you are unexpectedly good at faking up a gentleman-like personality.”

“This is not about me trying to be a gentleman, you know that.” He narrowed his eyes.

She stared daringly. Grinning.

“Then tell me if it weren’t me, you wouldn’t still be doing this to any other women who got drunk in the party?”

“... you’re my friend, Tohsaka.” He sounded almost offended.

“That isn’t what I’m asking,” she glared at him, and this time, she sounded serious. The dim light from a car outside buildings reflected on her subdued eyes. He then understood the implications behind those words.

“Especially you” he said, barely audible this time.

“See? It could be anyone after all,” Rin said, laying back on her bed, her legs barely touched the floor. She slowly closed her eyes, the dress she’s wearing that hit around mid-thigh now moved further above, exposed her perfectly toned, white skinned, long legs even more.

He stopped himself from staring for any longer before lightly cleared his throat.

“Tohsaka,” He waited patiently.

“Go on,” She urged him with a robotic response.

“Since you’re awake now, I think I should take my leave. Are you okay after drinking that much?”

“I’m still able to talk to you, ain’t I? That means I’m functionable.”

“That’s not even a word.”

She flippantly waved her hand. “Lock the door before you go downstairs.”

Defeated by her uncaring attitude, Shirou sighed mutely, approaching the exit.

“Then I will see you in class.” He spoke, a little hesitant to add. “I might be dropping at your workshop before dinner, I have a few problems with my self-defense assignments. Also… try not to disappear on me during this month, got it?”

She didn’t do anything to show whether she acknowledged his request, but he couldn’t stay to wait for another argument they might be doing so he decided it was better for him to leave, and it should be now.

But he tried to continue.

“I bought some sandwiches from the mart below, in case you’re hungry in the middle of the night,”

Rin sighed, ignored him as she was looking up at the clock on her nightstand that showed it was almost two in the morning.

“So… good night,” He quietly said, no replies came from the owner of the room.

He halted his hand midway on the doorknob, something was off with her tonight. Something. And Shirou couldn’t tell what it was about her that didn’t sit right with him. Rin was a difficult person to endure with, but she was also the most chaotic, love to tease, quick-witted girl he ever met. And now that she became a full growth woman, she really gave off an outstanding aura and a more reserved, mysterious expression around people. The cold look he somehow forgot she’s capable of giving during their schooldays was really her signature, and tonight, she used none of them.

He slowly rest it back by his side and tried to squeeze the word out.

“Well...” He’s hesitated.

“You still got more?” Rin shifted her head dismissively.

“Are you really sure you okay?”

She rolled her eyes, tilting her chin with index finger mockingly.

“Yeah, why?”

she looked feverish, and high. But he can’t say that aloud, instead, he turned back to face her.

“You won’t go looking for trouble outside, will you?” He straightened his figure.

“What made you think that?” She frowned at his accusation.

Shirou didn’t answer, after a moment, he said.

“Tonight... um, you acted different.”

Rin blinked, mocking him again.

“What do you mean by ‘different’?”

He can’t answer by the words that he wanted to say, instead, he changed them into something even worse.

“You let those strangers touch you, you never let it happen before.”

Rin looked surprised. And despite her not quite stable state of mind, she regained her indifference.

“How did you know if I ever did?”

“...” he can’t answer to that either. This time he remained silent.

The clock was ticking, and the moon was now full and round, shining through the night sky.

Rin plopped her head up, her elbows were now up on the bed. He was still there, standing tall in front of the exit. Jaded eyes had a darker shade in them, then, she called out.

“Ne, Shirou?”

“Yeah?” He replied softly.

She whispered the word.

“Stay the night.”

Shirou held his breath.

A long silence drew out a weird atmosphere, he opened his mouth, then closed it.

That’s right. He visited her apartment room for countless of time, but never once stayed the night.

He quietly turned his body fully toward her. His gaze carefully dropped by her shadow on the bed. Rin looked unusually miserable, and lonely in the dimness of moonlight.

She was so drunk, really drunk. And her beautiful aquamarine eyes couldn’t stay neutral anymore, they lured him into her, urging him to be completely bare and honest, accept her entirely.

But he couldn’t, he knew if he chose to stay, something that could not be undone will definitely happen. But...

After several minutes has passed, Rin decided to broke the silence.

“It’s okay if you don’t want to.” She said with an understanding tone. He began to open his mouth, was ready to bid his farewell and planning on his fleeing excuse.

“It could be anyone, after all.” Rin repeated the sentence from before with a smile that he didn’t quite understand at that time, hooded eyes moving to find her purse and heels to go outside again.

And that was when Emiya Shirou made his first mistake in that night.

Before he can even think, his body reacted to those words. He moved with much speed that the one on the bed could barely catch on.

His lips was crashing on hers, his rough hands were everywhere on her body, pushing her to lay flat on the bed, clever hands caring soft skin that was exposed out of the sinful red devil dress that was far too thin, and too much skin-revealing for his own preference on both in the back and the front. Shirou cursed under his breaths all night when he saw Rin chose to wear this dress. She was so outstanding among other girls in the club, and every men who had interests in women tried to hit on her like that wasn’t the obvious rule in the sense of biological logic between men and typical Tohsaka Rin.

Normally she would dodge them with ease and in case they don’t back off, she has plenty of ways to make them. But tonight, Rin was far too drunk… or that she chose not to for some reasons.

The music was loud and people were dancing when he caught a glimpse of two men approaching her. Their hands on her hips and shoulders, fooling around and Rin not even protested at that she just kept talking with them and laughed her stupid cute smile.

That’s the first time he really admitted he was jealous. And it drives him crazy to see her drunk-talk to another man up close, like he doesn’t exist.

He breathed hard, panting while took in the sweet smell of her red lipstick and perfume through one kiss after another. Their lips linger on one another for a while before his tongue darted forward into her mouth when she paused to catch up her breathing.

“You made me wait for four years.” He heard her mumbling between the kisses. And she gasped when he bit down her lips so she would stop talking. “And it took you a fucking sentence to act on me?”

He growled at her. Golden eyes full of lust and anger. Little did she knew it’d take much more than that to surpass everything, getting to this point.

“You have no idea how long I held back for this to not happen.” He breathed hot air above her, eyes glowing with needs.

“Sorry for ruining your dignity, then.” Rin whispered against his neck with unapologetic tone and moved her face so that their lips joined again.

She was so unfair that night.

He used to imagine this inside his head. Back in his school day, he had a silly crush on the one and only Homurahara school Idol. When he was alone, he will imagine himself holding her, moving inside her, marking her his, in the classroom, in his bed, in her bed that he once slept on during the war, everywhere, he did her dirty countless of time in his dreams when he was just a high schooler that he felt ashamed of himself. After had a chance to talk to her, got helped by her during those Holy Grail situations, he fell for her even harder. But he had too much problems, too much flaws and failures. And one thing that goes against his desire and the connection they shared was that he cared too much for the world.

After the war, Shirou somehow managed to put his longings to her aside and move forward. Even when he decided to go to London together with her in order to continue his path as a hero of justice. He stated to himself that he did it so he can become a better magus, and it has nothing to do with being able to see those aquamarine eyes again after they’re graduated from high school, not at all.

But every time he closes his eyes, he will always see her. Standing on the hill fulled of green glasses, behind her there was a sunset. And she was smiling to him, at him, calling his name. Her happy expression worths thousands of golds, only for him to wake up and realize it was all a dream.

_Just a little bit longer..._ he thought, trying to go back to that scenario using only his willpower.

He wasn’t sure anymore, if it means he has to abandon someone he held so dearly, is it really a correct choice to make?

At that day, he began to lie, that he didn’t want to follow her because of her alone.

Realizing something inside him started to crumble, he forcefully flipped all the logical in him a complete opposite. Turned a blind eye on his feelings, continued pursuing his dream like nothing had happened.

Shirou will not allow this feelings to bloom into something else. Something that will surely stop him from walking down the path of heroes.

All Shirou has to do is believe in his lies. So he could continue to stand beside her. He lies, and lies, and lies again. Over and over, if he realizes it and stops, he will break. Shirou knew that even only one word from her can have that pandora box opened in an instance.

Despite the fact, Emiya Shirou was one of the damn fool, he insisted on keeping that false belief until the day they part their ways.

His second mistake in that night was that, he has underestimated her.

She is always smarter than him, wiser and in control. And the worst part is, she knew him all too well.

Like when he purposely arrived late at their tutoring days to make sure she properly had her dinner, and she asked him to come eat together because she knew he was too caught up in his own tasks. Or when he felt a bit down and started dozing off, she will come to him in the library and silently sat beside him, reading her book, determined him to study more and worry less.

Like when he sometimes stared for far too long, she would begin to tap her index finger on the desk, like a warning. When he didn’t notice, her delicate finger would move itself to her perfectly fine shaped jawline instead. Those aquamarine eyes moved, and could sharply stare straight into his soul, making him look away in embarrassment. Then she will make a faint smile that she thought he couldn’t capture, but unfortunately, he could. Because his eyes never really leaves her.

From the moment he accompanied her into her bedroom after she took that much amount of drinks, she knew he thought about the possibilities of the situation. He was sure she mentally laughed at him, he could even hear her saying. _Caught you._ in the back of his mind.

Tohsaka Rin is so powerful, and she’s damn dazzling to the eyes. It was always impressive to watch her showing her skills and how she’s capable of things that she was put in charge in. He felt like if he only let himself stare at her for a full minute, his eyes could reveal the ugly truth behind all the lies he had created for himself. And he will no longer be able to stay with her. (Rin’s existence alone can destroy things he’s been carrying from that fire incident to here in London.) So he never allowed himself to get too close to her, let alone be with her while she’s drunk in her own bedroom.

But Tohsaka Rin happened, and that’s a checkmate for him.

He tried, and he failed. He couldn’t stand the thought of some random guy touching her perfectly toned body, kissing those soft cherry lips, taking her, hell, he cannot even imagine her being with someone in a sense of relationships.

Thanks to Rin’s stubbornness and complicated personalities. No one ever make it further than the talks. They just come and go, not a single one stay and he’s kind of relieved. He didn’t even know he was relieved. Knowing her, he thought he’d never see her dating. Not to mention indulging herself with others in an one night stand. But seeing Rin in this state, he knew if he went back ten minutes ago, there’d be someone else who would gladly take her in his place. And if he lets that happened, Emiya Shirou is nothing but an idiot.

_Just only tonight_ He prayed _Only tonight she belongs to me._

“Tell me,” His hands stopped at his zippers, golden orbs that seemed almost silvery in the moonlight focused on the woman beneath him. “Tell me this is what you really want? Because if you don’t, I will stop immediately.” He shot out his last warning.

“Oh, Shirou. Quit that stupid gentlemen complex.” Rin sighed. “Do you really have to remind me that a man could be so stubborn and naïve at the same time in this kind of situation?”

He grimaced. “I just don’t want you to regret doing it with me.”

“Do you want me to regret it with somebody else then?” She countered.

For god’s sake, she really knew how to push the right button.

“Not on my watch.” He huffed, clenching his jaw, swallowing his own words.

She nodded contently. “Good.”

When he finally entered her, she made a groan with flushed face. Her nails painfully dig hard into his clothed back, and he embraced her with both hands. Deeper, closer, all muscles in his body tense up by the incredible warm sensation. He opened his eyes so he could observe her expression, and fuck, she looked like _a fucking goddess._ Even in a clubbing dress with messy hair and spooky makeup on she still looked breathtaking and glowing, and at this moment she belonged to him, him only.

“God, you are so beautiful.” He whispered in memorized.

Rin blinked, clearly flustered by the compliment.

“...focus on yourself, not me.” She shifted herself a bit.

“Uh, right.” He nodded.

She squeezed her eyes shut, when he started moving in a slow, uneven pace. The pain was slowly easing away. And a new sensation was more welcoming.

At first it was like he wasn’t sure what he was doing. His body moved in an awkward silence unlike awhile ago that they went frenzy mode on each other like couple of wild animals. They didn’t even take their clothes off, and half of Rin’s body stayed on the edge of the bed, making squeaky noises from its elasticity. Not wanting them both to wake up from this magical moment, he tried to keep up the mood.

“Is this your first time?”

Wrong question.

Rin froze, anger flashed across her face.

“Is it yours?”

“O-Of course.”

_Good job, Emiya Shirou. You made it twice times worsened._

“But,” He tried again. “I’m glad you are my first.”

And he knew in that instant this time he chose the right one. Because suddenly, Rin’s lower body tightened around him like crazy, sending him the urge to come, and he would have if it’s not for his careful concentration.

Shirou gasped for air. His head pounding by how warm and wet she was for him. He used his thumbs to massage her soft skin around her inner thighs, and Rin started to relax after their little exchange of words and touching. They began to move together in more synchronized.

Shirou dropped his head in the crook of her shoulder, whispering euphorically.

“You are so tight, Tohsaka.” He muttered the words out with all sanity he had left.

Rin shied away again at that. Feeling vulnerable after losing her chastity to the man above her, she used her arms to hide her face.

Shirou immediately grabbed one of her wrists, forcing it away to see her face. When she denied to look at him, he began to panic.

“What’s wrong? Did it hurt? Ouch!”

Even during sex, Rin is Rin.

She pinched him with her captured hand on his thigh using magic, leaving a red mask on his skin. A penalty for his foul play he presumed, Shirou smiled wryly.

“I’m fine. Don’t take a peek.” Rin mumbled.

She brought up the other hand to protect her eyes, revealing only the lower part of her face, the red lipstick was all over the place because of their kisses. Plumped lips gasping the air while his pace increase, he sensed the climax was near. They both moaned in unison.

“Tohsaka. Don’t…Don’t hide, I want to see your face. Please?” Shirou plead desperately. Like a sinner begging to redeem in front of their god. Despite the harsh slam of flesh to flesh, he managed to add sweetly. “Pretty please?”

She groaned aloud. It’s been a long time since he used his puppy face tactic.

“You can’t.” Rin declined with a clipped tone.

“Why not?” He frowned.

She gradually let her hand down, still not looking at him. With a breathy voice, she confessed.

“I don’t want you to see my drunken face.”

He blinked, dumbfounded. Temporarily stopped his movements. He chuckled while caressing her cheek with so much endearment welling up in his heart. If Tohsaka was drunk by the alcohol, Shirou now has become drunk by her cuteness.

“A little too late for that.” He smiled brightly.

“Hmph,” She looked away, pouting. But slowly she said. “I guess it’s fine, it’s you after all.”

“Huh?”

Rin put up a genuine smile. Reaching her hands from his broad chest to lace her fingers behind his neck with the smooth stroke of her nails against his scalps, lovingly. Shirou moved a little bit closer in response, causing her to cling on him. Then, she whispered seductively into his ear.

“If it’s you, Shirou, I don’t mind showing all of my weaknesses.”

Just like that, Shirou gasped abruptly, and he then returned the pout.

“That’s cheating.”

“And I so miss that face of yours.”

Rin laughed at his blushing face that became even redder, but not so long when he started moving with a new rhythm.

Decided that tonight all the consequences be damned, he pounds into her, completely threw away all of the rational thoughts out of his damn mind, if he had some of them left.

Shirou lost himself in her. Calling her name again and again like it was only three syllables he has come to learn his entire life. And suddenly moved his hand from one of her thigh to grab on her hip, started mindlessly slamming into her.

“W-Wait! Stupid Shirou, ah, you’re going too fast!”

Tonight, there was no pretends. No more games and no more acts, the one who looking at him right now wasn’t his master , the strict magic teacher, or the school idol that secretly a magus, but only an ordinary woman called Rin Tohsaka and somehow, that’s enough.

After a few thrusts, he felt himself reached the limit. And her opening clamped around him, embracing him with so much strength it hurt. Shirou ignored the pains, smiling. Joy spread all over his body as he pulled her in for another invasive kiss, in which she belatedly responded.

That night, it’s the first time they were together. And the very first time Emiya Shirou finally admitted he’s in love with Tohsaka Rin.

Why it took so long to realize? He didn’t know, he always knew it was there. But he’s been avoiding them, avoiding her. And the feelings that locked up in that corner had been eating him alive since the very first day it made an appearance in his heart. Rooting itself, hosting him. And its existence becoming wider and larger, like the seed that growing into a big tree.

Shirou stared at the ceiling, the darkness stared right back at him. He heard it asking.

_What are you trying to do?_

Yes, what the hell were you trying to do? Shirou Emiya.

He cannot stay by her side. He knew. _She_ knew. They always avoid facing each other’s real feelings, they’re so fucked in their own little games. They never once talked about what their future’s gonna be like. Even they talk about plenty of stuffs when they meet each other once a week, because they knew their future won’t come across. They will no longer have each other’s company. So that’s like a natural rule not to bring the topic up.

And here he was, taking something that wasn’t his. Like a god damn Adam accepted his fair share of forbidden apple in the garden of Eden.

“...Shirou?”

A sober call.

Rin might sense that he was overthinking things, so she tried to wake up. A tiny little voice escaped as her yawning.

“Shhh sh shh... it’s alright. Now’s only three a.m., you go back to sleep.”

“Okay...” she obediently nodded, not even surprised why he’s here in her bed, naked beside her.

Shirou smiled at her shadow affectionately, lowering himself to kiss the crown of her head. Whispered a good night into her ear.

The sight of her breathing peacefully beside him. Her warmth that radiated from her soft body. Her delicate fingers that laid on top of his chest, over his heart. Her hairs that were soft to the touch and smell like the most beautiful, unique flowers in the world. Seeing all that makes he wants to hold her in his arms, protecting her in order for those images to last forever, being there for him to cherish whenever he’d like.

It all scared him. A hero of justice shouldn’t prioritize one before another, he should try to save everyone at all costs.

Emiya Shirou will save Tohsaka Rin before somebody else, if this continues.

Shirou knows, no, he knew all along this day will eventually come. And he thinks she knew too, that’s why she never complained when he acted indifferent around her. As time has passed, she becomes more and more colder, like a stranger to him as much as he tried to do the same to her. They try to protect each other in their own ways, and ended up hurting themselves.

_We are a couple of idiots, indeed._

Deep down he was somehow waiting, if she decided to say the word, _that word_ , he thought he could have dropped everything here and just settle down. But he knows that’s not what Rin truly wants, and she doesn’t want him to recklessly make a decision to abandon everything as well.

There were times that things have gone terribly wrong Shirou felt like giving up. His ideal has been tested multiple times and he has failed miserably to protect it. But thanks to this woman beside him, he can overcome them and move forward with his head held high.

Except for tonight, everything was so out of control. And Rin has pulled the most dangerous trigger of all time.

“It really took only a few words from you.” He purred against her hair. “You’re too strong, Tohsaka. I can never win fighting against you.”

He kissed her lips, longer than he intended. And she moved herself a little away from him, clearly annoyed by him disturbing her sleep. He laughed quietly.

Shirou gave her one last light kiss on her shoulder. The feeling of their touch, skin to skin, was addictive. After what they did he asked himself, why he had to wait for this long to be able to lay comfortably beside her. Looking at her shoulder blade beyond the blanket, he whispered the forbidden words he kept up inside his chest for far too long.

“I love you, Rin.” He tried out her name for the first time before he lost his guts. He likes the sound of it but isn’t sure he was allowed to call her that.

“Rin...” he tested the sound of her name again, it left strange aftertaste in his mouth like he has been holding a sour candy on his tongue. The sound came out weird at first, so he said it one more. “Rin.”

Her name really suits her, he thinks. Powerful, confident, and passionate. He wished he could say it when Rin was awake. But he knew they were’t there yet, he also needed more time to build up his confidence.

No, that’s not it. Shirou sighs, realized another lie he put up.

It’s not that he wasn’t confident enough, he felt like his true feelings would come out if he called her name in front of her face.

“I’m sorry.” Shirou said, holding her close. “I really am.”

He promised to her, when he gets better at this, better at control his feelings, seal the desperation in his gaze, and the lies behind his dull eyes. He will call her name, no matter what their relationship has become, Shirou will definitely call her.

Now, Shirou has passed the point of no return. He is ready to be exiled from the garden of Eden. God could send him to an abyss, and he will gladly accept it with smiling face. He thinks he has no regrets after this night goes by.

The thought was his last mistake in that night.

  
  


The moon is now gone, and the sun has risen.

Shirou carefully made his way out of the bed which was unnecessary if he really thinks about it. Rin was still hangover from last night, and she isn’t a morning person so there’s no way in hell she’d wake up this early.

He put on his clothes, made a mental note to prepare things when he gets back to his place while making Rin a cup of coffee. He added milk to the cup, right amount to her likings.

After that, Shirou went down to a drugstore to buy Rin medicine for her later headache. He stopped right at the exit and turned back to ask for IUD. They didn’t use any protection last night, so just in case.

He stared down at the paper bag. He had thought about starting a family. Deep down in his heart, Shirou was aware there is a voidness of his long lost ones, waiting for him to close it by making his own family. The image of Rin being a mother, raising their children was so tempting and he will be damned if that really happens.

He loves her, he deeply does. And for the record if last night wasn’t an illusion, she might have felt the same way for him too.

But even someone like Shirou wasn’t naive enough to not notice the walls between him and her. He was a part of it, he helped her building them up. And to destroy them with one night, he would be too selfish.

That’s why he has to leave her. Shirou has run out of lies, he cannot pretend anymore. He has no rights to stay beside her. He needs to go now, or else, he will betray his ideal entirely, and accept her existence in his heart. 

Shirou desperately needed her that he barely survived it. He made it this far, _she helped_ him make it this far. he won’t betray all of their attempts and works up until now.

A family of his own, he smiled bitterly.

That cannot happen.

He will become a hero of justice. He will accomplish what Kiritsugu could not do. He will live a dream that he has always believed in, he will—.

Someday, there’d be someone to take his place, protecting that smile. He has no worries, he has no regrets.

She will be fine, she’s so strong and him out of all people, knows that fact very well.

In front of the wood door, he held the paper bag in one arm. His hand was about to grab on doorknob when he heard a talking voice. It seems like Rin woke up earlier than he expected.

_A phone call? Weird, since when she got herself a phone?_

Shirou gently left the paper bag on the floor. His face twisted at the idea of Rin using an electric device, he tried to catch on the conversation out of curiosity.

“Yes, I will go check it out. Yes... right away.”

_I should leave before she goes to her workshop in Clock Tower._

Though Shirou told himself that, his legs won’t move on the spot.

“It won’t happen again this time.”

Shirou jerked a little at how aggressive Rin sounded for that last line he caught on. His hand was about to open the door out of worry, but he couldn’t. He shouldn’t go in there. No matter how many times he’s been in front of that door. He must not step over the line.

Last night was definitely a mistake, and he knew he should let her go.

_Leave! Just turn your back, just walk away._

Shirou held his head, feeling so dizzy for unknown reason. He thought it was because he’s so tired of himself. He tried shrinking away the feeling.

_Forget about last night. She will forget it too, so hurry up! Move your ass, asshole._

He clenched his jaw, hands into fists. Then, he decided to let go.

This is the only way.

“She will be fine.” He muttered, rapidly like a mantra. “We will be fine.”

And thus, Emiya Shirou made the biggest lie in his entire life. But unfortunately, he couldn’t bring himself to believe in it like he always did.

  
  


He had no regret on that day.

He thought he could believe that in one day.

He saw it, on the day that he left, he saw her, _crying_ , alone in that dark room. Unable to continue the talk with someone in the other end of a line from her phone, completely heartbroken.

_She will be fine_. He forced his nerves to comply.

She is Tohsaka Rin. The Rin he knew would never give up.

EMIYA was sitting on a stone in the wasteland that has become his new home, his hand caressing at one of his old swords that he received from his former opponents in wars. Looking at the reflection on the iron blade, he saw himself looking back at him like a haunting ghost. Silently doubting him for his choice of life.

Him and her, they knew from the beginning that they were walking on a pair of almost parallel lines. A part of their journey has intersected in the fate of time, but they knew that eventually, they would be going to walk different paths again in one day.

EMIYA believed that he understood it. He thought that he could accept it, and he prevented himself from thinking about what could have beens. He succeeded doing that at least. She believed in him until the very last day they shared their connection, thus he can’t fail her by thinking about redo all this mess, and even after all the death and the loss, the bond between them somehow remained exists. Sometimes he even randomly heard her voice, asking if he was doing okay in this land of blades. He felt ashamed, unable to answer to the voice.

_I have had so many regrets. I should be used to that by now, but..._

He stood up, sensing that he was about to be summoned once again. EMIYA slowly closed his eyes.

Every time he closes his eyes, she will still be there in that hill. The difference is that, she is crying instead. Her tears drop mutely on brown dry grasses, her lips move, talking to him, asking.

_No one is crying anymore, right?_

_Yes,_ he answered bitterly, like he always had. _But it’s you instead that’s be sacrificed for that matter._

_It’s fine, I will be fine._ The imaginary dialogues played out in his head like usual. He mouthed her reply at the same time she told him that,

_We will be fine, this is the only way._

And that scene is, too, the first regret he had to embrace in the afterlife of Counter Guardian.

**Author's Note:**

> First of all, Happy Halloween, everyone!
> 
> To be frank, I was drunk here. So I don’t even know what I was doing, but thanks for reading it till the end!
> 
> I have been working non-stop both my rl job and the series of Archer’s original timeline which starred Rin as a protagonist along with a few more familiar faces but then I got bored (and depressed, yes, this tl is waaaay too depressing.) so I dig up and found a Drabble of possibly Archer and Rin’s first time together. It’s not that good, it was one of the first versions I thought about. But anyway, I need to publish some of them out here as they will be too long kept in the dust otherwise. 
> 
> The series was my original intention, not these drabbles, but it takes time. And I have full-time job so yeah that sucks. I’ll try to publish the first chapter within the next month. Probably first three chapters actually, and the series will be connected with all the drabbles I promise, just you wait.
> 
> Anyway, thank you for reading. You can comment down below if you want a friend to talk to about fate franchise. And I hope you have a nice day! Then, Until next time.


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